12 Hours of Celibacy

by bfj
12 hours
It was election night and the band was practicing at my house. I drank as much as I could and watched Tom Brokow bring us all bad news. Needing better company to watch this all unfold, I gave M a call. M is liberal to the bone and never afraid to use her sailor's mouth to describe our GOP "leaders." Besides, she's Irish and can really throw them down.

So I met her down at the local pub. The place was filled with drinking liberals cheering each state John Kerry won and booing those assholes down in Florida who were strangling our last chances at freedom. We had a good time. I hadn't called her in a week since I'd been working on an underwear fashion show out of town. I mean our relationship is entirely based on sex so why call if you can't fuck?

Slowly but surely the election was slipping away from us. Kerry was trailing in Ohio. M went to the bathroom and Brokow called the state for Bush. It was over. Four years of suffering was about to be repeated. The world was looking bleaker and the defeated began searching the bar for someone they could sleep with.

It must have been fifteen minutes that M was gone. When she returned she slipped her phone into her purse.

"So I should just tell you that a guy might come here."

"What kind of guy?" I asked.

"A guy I've been seeing. Look I'm just trying to be honest. I mean you didn't call me for like a week and, I mean I've been giving my number out for like two months and NO ONE has been calling me. Now all the sudden all these guys are calling me. You're pissed aren't you?"

"No, I'm not pissed."

"Yeah you are, I can tell." I really wasn't. Well not about her seeing other guys. I mean I'd been seeing other girls, as much as I could really. What bothered me was that he was coming to the bar.

"You've got to work on your scheduling," I advised.

"Well I don't know how to do this. I don't want a relationship or anything. I just want to hang out with cool people without any strings attached. I mean you're seeing other people aren't you?"

I straight faced her.

"Oh you aren't," she added.

"Sure I am." I didn't want to look like a fool. And I was.

"Well, will you be okay if some guy shows up and starts, you know, being all over me?"

"Sure, sure. But really you have to work on how you handle these things. I mean lie a little. Keep the parties separated. Bush won Ohio, it's over."

"Fuck! Fuck these people. What the fuck is wrong with the people in this country?" She finished her drink. M was drunk and swearing. It was time. See I had no desire to meet this guy. Deal with M's poor scheduling and inability to say no.

"Hey let's get out of here," I said.

"All right. Fuck this fucking election. Fuck it!" Then she stood up and pointed at the television.

"Fuck you Bush you fucking cunt!" The bar turned and looked at her. They nodded and went back to their drinks. We left the bar.


Back at her place she quickly went for the shower and closed the door behind her. I couldn't see why she didn't invite me in. Who doesn't like showering together? It's great foreplay.

So I lay on her couch. I had pretty much succeeded in what I was trying to do-get her out of the bar and thwart that nameless, faceless guy's quest for my rightful booty. She was naked and wet. There was no way she was going back out to the bar. I got up to say goodbye to her. I knocked on the bathroom door just in time to hear the shower stopped. I opened the door as she was stepping out.

"You're done already?"

"Yeah. What's up?"

"Can I take a shower now?"


I turned and stripped in the hallway while she spread lotion over her legs.

The shower felt good. My muscles were aching. I studied her collection of shampoos, which she had scattered all over the shower floor. I remembered a friend that told me when we were fourteen that women's shampoo bottles were shaped like penises so they could masturbate in the shower. I got a little turned on and continued washing.

M opened the door and told me to get the fuck out of the shower.

"I'm taking a proper shower so I don't have to get up early."

"All right. Hurry up." I got out, toweled off and readied myself.

When I entered the bedroom she was wearing a pink nightie that revealed her ass cheeks when she bent down to light candles. I climbed into bed. Immediately we began kissing. We went through the usual routine of fingering, sucking, and licking. She came and then told me to fuck her.

As I was going I remembered the condom I had out in the hallway with my clothes. She grabbed me close and whispered in my ear.

"Tell me about my pussy."


"It's wonderful, uh really tight, warm." I've never been one to talk dirty in bed. It's always sounded so cheap to me. "Look I've got to get a condom."

"I've got one."

"No, yours are too small. I've got one in my pants. I pulled out thinking that I still had that over the nameless and faceless what with their small dicks and all.

Out in the hallway I searched for the condom. Found it and started to open it. I glanced into the living room at the television. There was a map of the United States covered in red. My heart sunk and I looked back at the condom. I didn't want to fuck anymore. I'd only been divorced for like two months and already I'd become a slut. I mean it had been fun. Different girls and different sexual nuances but I began feeling so obligated. I was tired, over worked and all I really wanted was a decent night's sleep. Tomorrow I was going to have to continue living in George Bush's America. Sickening.

"What are you doing. Get in here and fuck me!" Shit. She sounded like a whore from a 17th century sailor's drinking song. I went limp. Maybe I could still pull it off but I was getting very, very depressed. I went back into the bedroom. She was masturbating.

"I'm masturbating to stay ready. Fuck me." I didn't say anything and just watched her tear at her clitoris.

"Come on. I can do this all night. Do you like watching me masturbate?"


"Well I don't want to masturbate. I want to fuck."

"I dunno." I knew it would set her off.

"What the fuck. Come on." She grabbed me. "What do you want me to do? Just tell me what you want me to do." She started giving me a blowjob. Nothing.

"What do you want. Wake up!"

"I'm up. I'm up. It's just..."


"Something happened. I mean this election and all."

"God. Fuck this stupid election. You're not going to fuck me because of the President?"

"No. It's not that. It's just. It's hard to explain."

"This shouldn't be complicated. I just want to fuck. Why did you call me if you didn't want to fuck? Why do you ever call me?"

"M, I think you're a great girl. Really. I just don't think it's going to happen tonight." This went on for a while. A sort of plateau of her trying to get me going again. I attempted here and there but my heart wasn't even close to being in it. The more she swore the less I was interested.

"Just relax, M. There's more to life." I was going for something metaphysical and she wasn't having it.

"I'm an independent woman. God. I just want to fuck and not deal with this kind of shit. You're so introverted. I never know what the fuck you're thinking!"

I tried to explain myself to no avail and then decided to get out of this whole mess.

"Look, it's almost bar time. I'm sure you can find someone to fuck still." A serious dig on my part.

"I don't want to fuck anyone else. I want to fuck you, now.

"Forget it."

"Fuck you, I'm so sick of this shit."

"I'm going to go."

"Fine." I tucked the open condom under my side of the bed for the next guy to find. Just to let him know I was bigger.

I started dressing in the hallway when I heard her voice through the door. I poked my head in.


"I'm on the phone!"

"Shit. You should at least wait until I'm gone," I laughed. Some guy was listening to all this.

"All right M." I leaned over and kissed her forehead.

"Goodbye, I said with a tone of finality.

"Bye," she said sweetly holding the phone out for all on the other line to hear.

I went into the kitchen, stole some of her cigarettes, and left.


The next day was gray and cold. I was still tired and overworked and thoroughly depressed. My bosses were gloating the victory of George Bush. I tried to find some false hope on the Internet that Ohio may still fall to Kerry. At eleven he conceded. I went for mind games and sent a text message to M to see how she was feeling about last night.

What happened last night?
I think I blacked out.

At noon I decided that I was going to go celibate for awhile. Enough of this casual sex. I'd just gotten out of a marriage. I'd been dealing with women constantly for eight years. I needed a break. That was it. I'll quit smoking, drinking and screwing for a while. I'll work out and drink tea. Maybe check out Buddhism again. Life was going to be all right in George Bush's America. Lots of war and greed. I was ready to deal with it.

At two I called Zaley. A woman I was supposed to see that night for more "no-strings attached sex." I was hoping to catch her voice mail.


"Hey, it's me."

"What's going on, what's up? You still coming over tonight?"

"I'm going to have to rain check. I'm all depressed and hungover. The weather is horrible and George Bush is still president."

"Rain check. I knew it. I knew you would."


"I just had a feeling."

"Well I'm sorry. I'm just going to go to bed when I get off."

"What about Thursday. We should get together then."

"Yeah sure. I mean it's a rain check right. Not a total cancellation." What was I saying? I was doing a horrible job at celibacy and I'd only been at it for two hours. I could still smell M on my fingers.

"Okay. I'll see you on Thursday. I'll get over wanting to kick your ass in about an hour."

"All right. See you then."

At three I called the sweetest little girl I knew. I was feeling love, tenderness, and sadness.

"Telephone?" she groggily answered. She always answers "telephone."

"Hey it's me."

"Hey. I was going to email you. I haven't heard from you in a while. I just woke up." I imagined her mess of hair and childlike sleepy stretches as she met the day at one o'clock in the afternoon. Her time. I wished I could be there to kiss her back.

"Do you work tonight."

"No, but I'm going to a movie at five. Why?"

"I wanted to call you. Catch you when you weren't working. But I'll have to call you in a couple weeks. I'm going to Florida Sunday and these international cell phone calls cost a fortune."

"How are you?" She cut into my heart.

"Good, no wait. Horrible."

"Oh, why," her voice getting younger.

"I dunno. It's gray and cold."

"Is it raining?" It's always raining where she lives.

"No, I guess it could be worse. But George Bush is still president. She turned six.

"Nooooooo. He won. This is the end of the world. It's the apocalypse."

"I know. Soon we'll be bombing you."

"It's not that but your country is just going to eat us up if we don't follow you. Fuck, fuck this is sooooo horrible."

"I know little girl. So look I'll call you when I get back."

"Okay, have fun in Florida."

"Okay sweetie."

At four I sent another text message to M.

Shit, I remember enough now
Au revior M

I got off at six. At seven I sent off my signed divorce papers. I would be officially single by Friday. I went home, made some tea and turned on an uninspiring basketball game. By halftime I was tired. So this is what it would be like. I went to bed naked. My cats followed.

At midnight I heard knocking on my door. I woke up frozen and spied the clock. Oh shit what's going on? Is someone going to break in? No they wouldn't knock. I waited. From the other side of the house I heard kicking on the door and pushing. The door opened. I heard footsteps. I need a weapon. Fuck! I'm naked. What can I do?

"Hello?" I asked the intruder.

"It's me." It was M. I took a deep breath and calmed down.

"What are you doing?" I asked as she climbed into bed.

"Do you think I'm an alcoholic?

"Well, you are drunk every time I see you."

"I only drink twice a week."

"Are you drunk now?"

"Yeah," she laughed.

"Well. If I see you again this week and you're drunk, then you've got a problem."

"My friends say I'm a mean drunk."

"Fuck your friends."

"You're the alcoholic. You said you blacked out."

"Uh yeah. So I didn't think I'd see you again."

"Well you text messaged me three times today."

It was only two. "Yeah well you know. What about last night?"

"I like fighting. It keeps things interesting."

"Yeah." I settled down.

"It's hot in here." She stated taking her clothes off.

"Not really, it's like 55."

"Come here." So we went through the routine and screwed for two hours. It was great and I was no longer celibate. How pathetic. I lasted twelve hours. It was laughable.

At two she got up to go to the bathroom. I got up to find cigarettes. I wandered around the room for a minute. My little shy kitty Sam rubbed against my legs.

"Hi Sam. Why are you all wet?" I carried her out into the living room and looked at the door M had broken into. It was open.

"Damn girl, you left the door open?"

"No I didn't," she defended from behind the bathroom door.

"Leo? Leo?" He was my prize kitty. My boy.

Everybody loved him and he loved everybody. A perfect cat. Beautiful stripes on gray fur. "Leo? Leo?"

I searched the house. He wasn't there. "Leo's gone!"

"Fuck, how?"

"The door. You left the door open. I threw on some pants and sandals and went out wandering into the rain. It was wet and terribly cold as I called his name. Nothing. This was going to take a while. Shit what if he was dead. My ex-wife is going to kill me. I've got to dress for this search. Back at the house M was getting dressed.

"I'm going to help you look for him."

"Good." I put on more clothes.

"He couldn't have gone very far. It's raining. Cats hate rain. Does he usually run away when he gets out?"

"He's a man of adventure. He's exploring," I replied.

She stood on the porch giving a "Here kitty, Here kitty" call. He wouldn't fall for that shit.

She checked her cell phone messages and laughed. I wandered up the road singing his song.

Le-o the Li-on
He's a really good lion
Le-o the Li-on
He's a really good lion

Nothing. Cars came down the road and I hated them. They would run over the only thing I loved. I wandered up to the drug store. Some brothers were coming out.

"What's up nigga?"

"I'm looking for my cat. Have you seen a gray cat?"

"Fuck no man. Sorry."

I went back to the house. M was still on the porch getting wet. Doing here kitty call and reiterating her theories that cats didn't like the rain so he was probably hiding some place.

"Let's go inside," I said closing the gate. "I won't be able to find him. Maybe he'll come back.

"What if he doesn't."

"I'll make posters."

"I don't want it to come to that. I'm such a fuck up."

"Don't worry about it. You want some tea?"

"No. I'm going to sleep on the couch and listen for him."

"I'm going to have some tea."

"Aren't you going to bed?"

"No. I've got to stay up in case he gets back." I fired up the computer so I could start making a poster. Then I heard a dog bark in the distance. A dog. A dog. Barking? Must be a cat. I went outside.

"Leo?" I called out.

"Mmmmyeah!" It was him. I turned around and he was on the roof.

"I found him! Leo, what the fuck? You're so bad." He tried to figure out how to get down. He put his paws on my head and I grabbed him and carried him inside. Sam hissed at him and attacked him. He had probably rolled in some dog shit.

"I'm going to bed now," I told M. "You sleeping on the couch?"

"No," she pouted. She crawled into bed. So did Leo.

Thursday I had M on my fingers again. I sat at my desk at work grinning. That night the band came over. I went and saw Zaley. Friday I had Zaley on my fingers. I sat at my desk and shook my head.

"Damn I'm a slut."

I went upstairs and got a cup of coffee. I was done with tea.
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